How to Avoid Falling into a Negative Routine.

April 29, 2024 | Dr. Joel L. Young

Marriage researcher John Gottman believes we can predict divorce by identifying the presence of four devastating relationship behaviors.

Harmful patterns of abusive, criticism, contempt, or stonewalling can threaten a relationship.

Couples counseling can help those who struggle to change or move beyond the past.

Anniversaries, birthdays, and Valentine's Day are days filled with roses, chocolates, and romance. But those occasions are fleeting, and relationships demand year-round care. Therapist and marriage expert John Gottman has studied relationships for decades, and he can seemingly predict divorce for couples with near-total accuracy, even those who otherwise seem happy. How? According to Gottman, it’s all based on a few detrimental behaviors. Give yourself and your partner the gift of a better relationship by learning about these four indicators of poor relationship health, and understanding how to get them under control so you can enjoy a more satisfying partnership.

Criticism

Everyone gives their partner feedback sometimes. Healthy examples of feedback: “When you talk to me that way, it hurts my feelings.” “I need you to share equally in parenting and household labor.” “I don’t feel safe when you text and drive.” These criticisms are reasonable. But often, criticism becomes a power play. A person begins attacking their partner’s character by calling them sensitive, hysterical, or dishonest. They insult their appearance or fundamental characteristics. Or they spend so much time criticizing their partner that there’s no time or energy for anything else. Perhaps worst of all, they might engage in name-calling—using gendered slurs like “bitch,” calling a partner dumb or lazy, or telling them they’re a bad parent. Criticism can be abusive, and in many relationships, a person pretends they’re offering constructive feedback, when in reality, they’re really just slowly and steadily eroding their partner’s sense of self.

Even when criticism is reasonable and positive, Gottman suggests a person needs as many as 20 pieces of positive feedback to be able to accept one negative bit. But when criticism is mean-spirited, involves name-calling, or undermines a loved one’s character, no amount of positivity can compensate for it. Instead, make an effort to identify good things about your partner, the things you love about them, and the things that make you proud, and then watch your relationship transform.

Contempt

We all get upset sometimes, but contempt is a darker form of anger. It’s the type of anger that fundamentally dismisses a partner’s needs and humanity. Eye-rolling is an example of contempt. It conveys clearly, “I don’t just disagree with you. I think you’re unworthy of listening to.” Some other examples of contempt include:

• Mocking someone for their emotions.
• Refusing to offer comfort to a suffering spouse.
• Bullying.
• Ignoring or mocking a partner’s needs.
• Undermining a partner.
• Publicly humiliating a partner.

At its root, contempt is the opposite of love. And while contemptuous behaviors may occasionally leak through even in the most loving of relationships, contempt as an established pattern destroys love. Contempt from one partner often breeds contempt from the other. So if you feel like your partner isn’t loving with you, consider the extent to which you might be unloving with them.

Defensiveness

We all feel defensive from time to time. And occasionally, your partner might throw criticism that’s just fundamentally unfair or cruel. But if you rarely accept any criticism and are more concerned with telling your partner they are wrong or defending yourself, then you’re being defensive.

Defensiveness destroys the ability to fix problems in relationships. If the problem is real to your partner, then it’s real—no matter how you feel about it. You have to validate their feelings before dismissing them altogether. Defensive people systematically disregard the needs of their partners.

Some signs you’re consistently defensive include:

• You think your partner is excessively sensitive.
• You think that doing good things for your partner should mean you do not have to make changes.
• You spend most of your time telling your partner why they are wrong.
• You rarely apologize.
• You think most of the problems in your relationship are your partner's fault.

Some strategies to avoid defensiveness include:

Learn how to honestly apologize. There should be no “ifs” in a good apology; it should instead focus on what you intend to do better next time, as well as demonstrate an honest understanding of how your behavior has affected your partner. Avoid the phrase, “I’m sorry if I made you upset…”

Listen to your partner with an open mind. Assume they are the expert on their own life and feelings.

Take your partner’s needs seriously, even if they are different from yours. Consider honoring everything your partner says for a week or two, without defending yourself or arguing. See how this affects your relationship.

Understand that defensiveness can initiate a negative pattern in which your partner stops asking you to make changes, becomes resentful, and displays anger and hostility.

Stonewalling

Have you ever given your partner the silent treatment? Walked out during an argument? Refused to talk about a problem? If so, then you’re stonewalling.

Stonewalling is a refusal to engage meaningfully for a long time—longer than the 10 or 20 minutes. Often people stonewall because they lack the skills necessary to resolve conflict. So instead, they leave or shut down and hope the conflict will disappear.

Sometimes the partner left behind becomes so frantic that they beg the stonewalling partner back. This puts the focus on getting the stonewaller to return rather than on solving the problem. Over time, this feeds the habit of stonewalling by giving the perpetrator more power in the relationship.

Stonewalling conveys two messages: First, you do not care about resolving a problem (or do not think it can be resolved). Second, it tells your partner that you do not care if they get distressed or feel abandoned.

A long-term pattern of stonewalling makes it impossible to solve relationship issues. It can also destroy your attachment by making your partner feel abandoned and disregarded.

Instead of stonewalling, try the following:

• If you are not ready to talk, reassure your partner of your love and desire to talk, then set a specific time to talk.
• If you need time to calm down, tell your partner, then return to the conversation in 10 - 20 minutes. Any longer will just allow tensions to escalate.
• Consider how you might be using stonewalling as a tool of control. 

Working with a therapist on care and counseling can help to alleviate conflict. If you’re struggling to adopt better behaviors in your relationship, you’re not alone. It can be hard to change, especially if you feel that your partner is not pulling their weight or when resentment takes over. Couples counseling helps you identify what’s really wrong—the core behaviors that subtly chip away at your relationship—so you can focus on, and get more of, what’s right. If you’re overwhelmed, hopeless, or unsure how to fix things, consider seeking counseling with a skilled professional. Your relationship is worth it.